15th May 2011 - Breakdowns

I don't know why.. Whenever I starts to get myself happier.. I'll just get all the shits comes back to me, and hold me from being naturally holy happy.. Everything just gone so wrong again.. Everything just came back to my head again.. Spinning around.. Around.. And can't find a right solution to get it off..

It all started again.. this month.. That there's 1 night reminds me of everything about my family. Yes, you may know and think that I'm filthy spoiled and rich. You may think that Money is everything about happiness that you could get everything and anything you need. You may think that I'm pretty fine with all the comfort I have.. But know what.. ? I figured out, it was a lies. It was a pieces of heart brokenness again.. Money Can't buy happiness and true comforts. You can't buy anything such like Real Family Loves, Feelings and Cares.. I've been keen .. Keening for this family loves.. I don't need cash everyday from my dad, I don't need anything unnecessary from my Mom. Do you all ever thought that drinking was addiction to me? Yes, It's addicted when I found that this could numb all my pains, all my problems, and just crazy and happy for the 1 night in the whole week. I don't fuck around and in fact i Don't freaking have any sex desires and crave for it. People would just think , O Hell Shit ! He's A Drinker Every Weekends. Not everyone that drinks are bad, And I don't claim it right , too. You have no where to expose and express, but at least u have a place and bunch of people to console you and share and take away this part of burden.. FYI, I don't freaking understand.. Really All Drinkers Are Uneducated people ? What Generation is this right now ? I Freaking Farked up when I saw all my aunties from my mom side came my house , and when I stepped out they stared me in-mannerly. Mom , seriously you need the whole world to knows that how "bad" and "uneducated" he was? Telling everyone his friends is bunch of rubbishes? As I've already showed you the name cards and even introduce some of my real professional friends that worked as doctors , lawyers and Psychiatrist etc , And you even doubt and say the name cards are fake and nowadays a lot of fake name cards around ? I'm totally speechless. I don't know how to prove that I'm right, I don't know how to prove that My friends are innocent and I'm old enough to know how to choose a right friend already. I could have been Killed myself on the street if you wouldn't know the stress and Pressure I'm taking on. I just need a family that understands me before they judge , comment or even doubt. I already has a family which does not looks like a family.. 5 Parts out of 3. I already don't feel that I has a family.. Do you know How bad it hurts by looking at other family having dinner together? That's what I want.. Normal and Simple life.. Frankly.. This 17 unordinary life, I'm sick of it.. There's no more trust found within it.. Is not that I don't like to stays and have dinner just 1 on 1.. Because I know there's sure arguement in between.. And i will much more fed up rather than having dinner myself outside.. I'm having exam.. And now you telling me to take my own transport every morning myself suddenly by messaging me ? I'm just a labelled son huh? Or I'm picked up from the streets / rubbish bin ? I don't know what the fuck wrong , Just because I went home late? Fine. I'll stay home. And Eat Sleeping Pills Every night. Happy :) ?

I believe Karma now. I don't get it. Why being Gays are so seriously fucking offending ? Just because everyone thinks Homosexuals are for the sake of Sex , Sex and Sexes ? Just because I feel disgusted with Vagina and Have no feelings toward girls means that I'm an Abnormal Person? I remember one of my best friend saying : " Is this kind of fellas changing the world. " know what? Fark you. Aren't we humans ? What you mean THIS KIND ? In fact Homosexuals are much better and friendly than Straight People. All you guys knows is how to settle ways without considering , without thinking and just take as what you see is what you get. You're not a computer, That whenever type A will come out A. Use your brain to twist a bit, You think that all homosexuals are useless people? They are the people that looks for sex only ? and drinks every night ? Like I Said, I have no sex desires. But I Enjoy drinking for the sake of happiness and enjoyment but not flirting or whatever shit ONS anymore. Especially Schoolmates. I can't blame, you all have babies mind and brain, don't know how the world looks like. Need to Gossip and Without Filtering your brain talking words that's really offending me. Like I Say, Babies, Can't Blame, Don't know there's Chemicals in their milk nowadays. I'm not helping homosexuals. But I'm speaking in the way of fact. So what's the different if Straight people ? They don't crave and for the sake of sex ? LOL. I have heard of news and news. Example : A Husband Marry A Wife just treat him as Sex Slave ? When the wife forgot to tell the husband she has period, The husband gone mad and went out for prostitute immediately? O So, You're telling me they are VERY COMMON, Not to be SURPRISE for such things to HAPPEN? Puih. What a great excuse. Look around and realize that, They are your friends too, They are your family too. Why isolate them just because they like the same gender ?

What I'm seeking is just simple, I just need a guy which I like , and He could just take care of me and be with me when I'm in need. But Yea, Blame myself from being a Slut last year, Blame myself for having such a fade that No one could maintain a long time with me. Now whatever shit that I did to people, Is all coming back to me. Forget about it.. I'm sorry, -J-.. For what A Mess I've made now.. I'm glad to know you, and know that I could give you warmness and being so comfortable with me. And thank you for making me know again the feelings of being Loved and a Important Partner to someone..I Do Love You A lot, But I Can't Continue. I Can't Bear with the pain and struggles I saw inside you.. I feel bad messing up with your relationship.. and Is 3 years.. I don't wanna be like last time.. Because I've know the guiltiness and hatreds already.. Since I'm already struggling from all the other problems.. Just let me be self-fish for once.. and promise me that u will be happy with him.. Although you will know that I could hurt so much, or like you say.. I like to hurt myself.. ? haha.. crazy right ? Don't fall in love with me la.. Hate me better, I don't worth for you :) .. 傻瓜 .. <3

Shits happens whenever you don't want them to come, and it's always the wrong timing. God, I prayed every day and night, forgive me from being like this.. I couldn't hear and see anything working in between already.. I've been calling out your name. Please, Change me and Help me like how you did always.. Chemistry Paper Tomorrow, Great. I don't get the freaking mood to study it, Let's just burn this time's test again. Forget about it, I feel good hurting myself, Could take another punch on the wall and break my another hand. Problems and Issues again, That is so extraordinary from other people. But yea, there's still people worse than me :) . I don't think I can list everything out by writing it, and It's already 1o'clock. Just numb myself with a pill and go sleep is much better. As tomorrow is a better day.