I was asleep only at 6o'clock yesterday, I don't plan to go to church since after then I'm sleeping so late. Something pulled me up from the Bed like non of before does so, I used to slack on my bed more than 30minutes , snooze and snooze my Alarm Clock. But not this time, I woke up, Walk straight to my bathroom and get prepared and ready up. Again, I was fighting with my mom because I'm being late and slow, my mom went off and I thought she won't be back so to go Church and fetch me, but then things didn't bring me down and with decision of taking a cab to there. Astonished that my mom would turn back, but things didn't work out. We quarreled in the car and I got down the car and went church by my own. Having Arguement with my mom, or family members happens to be very common. It's like dipping your leg into the ice, there's the numb of it, which you couldn't feel and Family Love anymore.
All the while I've been doubting and questioning myself, Not but least ; Hating myself , too. I don't know what should I do, I don't know what's my direction, I don't know what's the decision I should have made. I could have make it with my mind, but never with my strength. I always thought that I'm not worthy for God, to praise and worship him. This Guilt, will never be gone. Carrying Around, with indescribable pain. Therefore I choose to avoid, Avoid from going church, Even . Avoiding from God..
People might be thinking, Homosexual is just supernatural. But I know, It's not. It's just the world whom influenced, and for me, I'm influenced without any solution to get out this cage. It's hard for people to understands a person like me, Problems, Questions, Doubts are about everywhere and everything. Somehow, when I blamed on God why does It happens such things on me? I've been serving abundantly , putting Him as Priority, Giving and Sacrificing all my time for him and his kingdom. 1 by 1 , I looked on people walking out from the church. True friends and close Sisters and Brothers of mine, I always told myself, I doesn't wanna be like that. I know, It's not God's Problem neither the Church. But It's just myself, and other issues of. I've never failed to give a prayer every night, but in worry that God will be answering ? I'm just too ashamed of myself..
A pastor from India came to our church to preach today, Rev Dr. Joshua Paul. I thought that It would be just another boring grandpa stories, that I just wanna finish it quickly and go for lunch. It became the opposite, founding out that He's quite an Interesting person and with the carry of God's Words, and I found why and who woke me and controls me in the morning I woke up. The Purpose is to re-explore my eye, cleanse me , and letting me know, God it's still there. Jesus was always beside me without fail. I walked into the church at the very first time, with the heart rock and ache in it. I can't actually control well my tears until the worship session had finished. I was like, What was happening to me ? Never been before I'm like this though..
After the Worship session, as same like Altar Call. I didn't planned to go at first.. But somehow, when the service ends. Whispered into my ears : Son, Go. My heart was pushing me and urged for the Words and Prayer, In the same time inside me, There's something pulling me back and telling me ' Hey, just go for your lunch. Aren't you're hungry ? '. Again, something was fighting over in my heart, and caused an Ache again. But I know the voice of God, will never mislead me.
A pastor from India came to our church to preach today, Rev Dr. Joshua Paul. I thought that It would be just another boring grandpa stories, that I just wanna finish it quickly and go for lunch. It became the opposite, founding out that He's quite an Interesting person and with the carry of God's Words, and I found why and who woke me and controls me in the morning I woke up. The Purpose is to re-explore my eye, cleanse me , and letting me know, God it's still there. Jesus was always beside me without fail. I walked into the church at the very first time, with the heart rock and ache in it. I can't actually control well my tears until the worship session had finished. I was like, What was happening to me ? Never been before I'm like this though..
After the Worship session, as same like Altar Call. I didn't planned to go at first.. But somehow, when the service ends. Whispered into my ears : Son, Go. My heart was pushing me and urged for the Words and Prayer, In the same time inside me, There's something pulling me back and telling me ' Hey, just go for your lunch. Aren't you're hungry ? '. Again, something was fighting over in my heart, and caused an Ache again. But I know the voice of God, will never mislead me.
Again, I was always the last one to be prayed for. Just at the moment, I wanted to pray for my SPM examination and just have ways and path opens for me, without any further on going. I was still keen on avoiding God, keen on continue doing the stuff I was comfortable but not pleasing God. Before I could finish telling what I wanted to pray for and my problems, the Pastor just prayed for me. Telling me things That I wanted to tell, Things that I'm currently been through, Things that No One Knows, But only God Knows. Louder and Louder. Commanding and Commanding. Rebut and Rebutting. As much I've first time ever felt the anointing and Holy Spirit. In Second, I was freezing at the Sanctuary turns me into a Oven that makes me warmly sweated. I couldn't feel myself when I got blown by the Spirit. I can't control Or even know what I'm doing. and For the very first time too, I saw God. as I always , Wanted to. To see how God really looks like. He's just, too holy, too bright, and too glory to be described. I could feel that single touch of his hand to me, that I'm relieved. Another hand, My head was pain in burst that something was keep coming out from me, and I bet that was the Demon, Demons and Evil Spirits I mean. After everything was released.. I felt so blur but so much peace in me. All I know, It's to Thank God and Not forsaken his Will again.
I've finally know that, Actually God didn't leave me aside. But It's me that left him at the Corner, yet he's still there watching me every single second. I believe again, No one it's not worthy to worship and praise him. Everyone does, Even wrong or right, You deserve to walk to him and say sorry for forgiveness. And that's what I've learn today. No one might understands me, but God will understands me.
As a New Creation God has made on me, God, You've shown me your Power ; Now show me the ways, the right solutions, and what I should do. Thank you God, You're awesome.. And you've never, ever, give up on me no matter how deep I've fallen.. :') ..
I've finally know that, Actually God didn't leave me aside. But It's me that left him at the Corner, yet he's still there watching me every single second. I believe again, No one it's not worthy to worship and praise him. Everyone does, Even wrong or right, You deserve to walk to him and say sorry for forgiveness. And that's what I've learn today. No one might understands me, but God will understands me.
As a New Creation God has made on me, God, You've shown me your Power ; Now show me the ways, the right solutions, and what I should do. Thank you God, You're awesome.. And you've never, ever, give up on me no matter how deep I've fallen.. :') ..
1 comment:
Kenneth, you always make me cry, God loves you, I can feel His love for you, that is why I am crying, you are very precious ok, although I may not fully grasp what you are going through, but I understand.
It;s hard for me also at times, I've been surrounded by temptations too, I cried for God too, like you, asking Him why, about a lot of things, I want to go to where my friends are, having fun and all that, clubbing, spending money, getting the expensive dress or make up, dolled up myself, or even to change church so that I can find a boyfriend! Can you imagine that?
But the Lord says, don't ask why, don't analyse, just walk the path that I chose for you, and again, what is your motive of having fun? of getting a boyfriend? Is God involve?
I hope you will stay strong, with God, all things are possible,
Jesus really loves you, crying for you and praying for you
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