What If It Is ?

Felt like putting my burdens and depression down, it just came so suddenly.. and i have no where to write other than my blog nor here..

Looking at the Past, is actually so so so complicated of it, but i've been thru. and that's it. no more. No More.

I'm just not another ordinary person. Instead of it i'm a child of God. That I'm born for a purpose and created for something to be done.Problems are occurs everyday, New problems comes before even the old one are yet to be settled.

There's so many things comes to me. From the day I'm born, I'm not like everyone of you, being a good babies, facing life everyday,Having Milk everyday, Sleep, Having people to play with for the very beginning. I'm not. I faced Death everyday from the 1st day I Born til the 3rd month of it. I had hole in heart, which last time whenever the weather changed at the morning, and once my face goes purple black, I would be dead. I'm glad God, putting me in this place , this family, which my mom and grandma has never fails to watch over me every minutes. Everyday i admitted hospital, and i need to be in the Ambulance if there's a heavy traffic jam. Until the day I found the right solution and medicine, and i slowly get cured..So what about yours? Ever thought of actually how a great life you're having ? I have these , and yet i'm here saying. I'm happy with myself. Because I'm still alive, and doing what I can and what I Should. Without God. I'm Nothing. And I know, there are people even worse than me, even worse than you. So don't says that you're having the worse life ever.

We're all humans, we complain and complains everyday without fail. Whenever you have what you want, or you doesn't have what you asked for. We are still there, having things to complain. I've learned so much in these time, not complaining but solving up things and thinking more positive stuffs, Knowing EMO are not the solution, sitting there and just cry? sitting there and just get mad? What's the point? Will it actually solve your problem ? I learn to move, find the right person to talk about my issues, find the right time and do the right thing. Well, maybe people who knows me in real life would call me a clown, nor a emo king, nor a smiley guy, or Rich Ass. But what's it matter now is I'm not having any mask in different bunch of friends and gangs anymore. I'm being all by myself, and I've no need to keep so much things in myself. Does the image of you really matters? Or the things you do in your heart really matters or it? If you're a Christian, Do a Godly Act for real infront of it. Don't become an Angel in the Church and became a Devil outside. Com'on , Stop acting and show yourself out, and you will be changed because there's true friends and greater person around you, that teached you and advised you.Because when people knows actually your inner is different, eventually you're different from the outside :).

My life, was fill with so much up and downs, that everyday it could actually makes me goes super happy and super depress. I'm not a super smart and clever person, that scores full or All A's in exam. But I did always tried my very best. Somehow my family doesn't saw my efforts, doesn't saw actually how much i worked on it. Sometimes I really wonder if they really wants me to study 24 hour 7 ? And not let me out? I can't , I just can't. I'm already a very freedom person. That I can go anywhere ! anytime ! without any permission sometimes too. I'm already like this ! A Person that can't stick his butt in a chair for an Hour doing nothing but having a book to study on it. I will die ! I will go Psycho and Mental Disorder ! telling about this, i was super remember i damn emo when that day i can't go out, I actually just whack the wall til my hand bleeds. SEE ! How Crazie I Am Actually D: ? Please don't be afraid, i won't kill u =X well if u do nothing to me. LOL.

My emotional. It always doesn't get controlled. Super bad temper. Super bad emotional person. Would just get real mads when actually just a little matter. It's because I just has so much problems with me, I have so much issues with me. I'm 16 ! I'm somehow facing more than problem of 16. I hate sarcastic and bullshit people. Feel like slapping them very hard and push them into toilet bowl, flash them into ocean let the shark to eat, filter their bone narrows and feed my Fishes ! But o well, You know I actually changed quite a lot =P . Hopefully my good emotional will continue on for the rest of my life. If you have problems and being emo. Come seek the eMo King and Dr.Emo Kenneth ( Previously ) D: .

I had the Best perfect girl in my life..but then, i'm just too self-fish and stubborn.. I didn't kept my promise .. She was the one that makes me goes to God, telling me not to let go, telling me not to give up .. But I made her.. just too depress.. and no one knows.. She's holding all my burdens up .. Knowing all my problems but she just can't help. I just.. don't know what to write about her.. I've hurt her too deep.. that even myself can't stop blaming of myself.. She was the one that stays beside me when I need comfort, She was the one that I could ever feels a straight love, I was the one that she's willing to sacrifice, She was the one that actually knowing me all the time, She was the one that actually knowing so much things that could hurts her, but yet she still comes to me and telling me not to give up , and keep forgiving me and giving time for me to change.. But me ? What do I actually did to her? Being a Gay fooling around just because using an excuse she's at aussie? I Don't Even Know what the fuck i did a good thing .. but i've just ruin everything that is made perfect.. A Broken Vase can't be repair.. and it will never be stick back just like the original shape.. But when now I realize actually she's everything to me, is just too late.. I've cried for everyday.. but what's the point.. ? I don't even dare to talk to her, dont even dare to see her picture, dont even dare to ask about her.. because i just felt so guilty.. but now, things had changed.. And I've need to do the right thing.

Just because when I'm 14 I can't get any girl.. this guy came to me, it was at my darkest time.. he brighten me. He was 6 years older than me, He's mixed with western and well he's pretty cool and handsome though. So yes, i was in a relationship with HIM . He was the best man , and successful man. He owns a company which he's working as a water filtration thingy.. He's parents knows me well and they treat me well too.. I was with him for a year and 3 months sharp. And on the last day, he decided to come over my house to overnight just because is too late and the company is at KL as he's staying at Puchong. At the midnight I woke up, It was 3:30, and i felt something really bad happened. When i was keep calling him, he just didn't answer, at 3:36, His number called back, unfortunely is a female voice, which is actually from the Hospital. I have no idea where they gets my number.. but it calls me to quickly go to the hospital of xxx as "Your best friend" admitted hospital because of a major accident. When i rushed there, everything was too late.. I can't stop blaming myself.. didn't tell him to not come over. It was a heavy rain that night.. the most guilty was the parents didn't blame me, yet they actually says is all an accident and is alright.. Caeson is their only Son ! How could I just.. damn it.. Tried to actually kill myself in the hospital, but just got injected and faint. didn't actually sleep until i took alot of sleeping pills from my friend which works at the Pharmacy, slowly time passed and i've put it down..

I was back to Jerri, just before she wanted to leave Malaysia in 1 month time. The time i spend with her are just not enough.. It was also actually where when i found myself again.. But when she left, things just happened again.. At the middle of this period, I actually wanted to just leave it, as in . " aiya, i also no hope lar, What's wrong being with gay ? not like i will die, Being Gay is just so me, and i'm so happy due to so many bees coming over me also. And guys are more easier to Ahem compare to girls, i can list out like 100 "positive" stuff rather than girls only have 1 Positive things i could do. Besides, I also really no feelings to Girl, o well. Just announce lar :D " I was so happy that time yet i'm so regret now , Because of some Friends, I've entered to a Gay bar, and there's where makes me feels good,having few new bf weekly, makes me presence there every week without fail, and even goes to clubs, but things just got bored with me very fast. and i became so Famous in this circle, called as bitch nor slut. Great ! Now i'm another Idol for people in this PLU Circle. But It's a good thing, which makes me stops going these idiotiology places, and because of God, He pulls me back to him, not into the world again.

I Felt a deep regret, and guilty towards God, and towards Jerri. That's what makes me come back. And It makes me thinks. Do I actually wanna be that lifeless just like them ? What I get benefit from ? Yea I'll Go Hell Maybe ? No maybe Perhaps Yes I Will. And there i stopped myself and tried to change myself up. But by myself that's not enough, With God, By God and Because Of God. I was changed, and I've stop all my false activities, that even I don't want to search or think of porn or masturbation erection stuff.

Things comes to me and said, Enough is Enough. A Revival which really breaks all my barriers and shields towards God, and now i'm here again, and will never happen what it's actually happen again. Thank you all my youthmates, that gave me so full of supports, I will be a much much better cant imagine better person u've ever expected :) You might think is impossible for a Gay to turn straight. So am I now? Who say you can't? I'm not being Holy but I can only says that, Only God, Can change you from this situation. Gays are not born , is because everyone is Accepting, and you will there's actually nothing wrong with it ! I'm still not offending of it, I still love Gays as friends, as they are just too friendly :) and i really dislike people like (V C) well < die ="">

On the very moment, I said, because of Her that actually makes me the only one that have feeling with, and because of God promises will never fails and i will hold on with it. I've lose her once, and I doesn't wanna lose her again. Stick to my promise to her, and telling out loud that I've not given you up yet, and i will not until you wear the wedding ring and get married !

Well what i could do is just Wait, and believe in God and be the one which is always on fire for God :D . And Yesh ! I have my new server on going ! Need to really work hard ! http://transquilityro.forumer.com/ , Come join meeeeee <3>

Dumping all my past in here, and i'll never look back for the past and looking forward and move forward for a better day. Happy Life just starts and continue : ) ! The Past is Past, Do things now ! Start Changing things ! And you will actually see things which is actually impossible will turn out a incredible results. Expect things that is unexpected. You will see yourself growth with a big gap within it.

P/S : Is just my sharing , hope u won't feels offended ><. Well, Feel Free to drop me comments :)